Two things...

First...

I wasn't raised in a Christian home, which I count as a blessing (although that sounds weird). I have appreciated seeking God because of my curiosity and desire. So the topic of the Holy Spirit was (like Terra) a known figure in the Trinity and I understood that he lived in me, but that was the extent of it. Going to APU I was exposed more to who he was and what his role in my life is, along with the body of Christ. But, still I wonder... Is this all it is? I was driving in traffic yesterday on the 101 freeway thinking about the people who I consider to be great leaders and followers of Christ. I was wondering if their relationship was more and deeper then what I have discovered. M.L.K was one who I pondered. I read his autobiography two years ago and was given a glimpse into his spiritual battle through the civil rights movement. If I were him, with my faith, I don't think that the movement would have been the same. That was my thought process. My conclusion was that yes...there has to be more and how do I get that? What do I need to do? Or what do I need to not do? 

I found Terra's blog very encouraging. I think living in America we looking for a recipe to a successful relationship with Christ. "I want an easy 5 step program that will give me a deeper more meaningful relationship with Christ, in just 30 minutes". Wow how we can place God is a tiny box that fits right in our hand! Terra your decision of all or nothing was inspiring. I feel that I have been on that fence for the last two years. I have been teetering back and forth on whether to sell out or stay comfy right where I am. I have had this on the forefront of my consciousness these last couple weeks with the new change in our lives. A decision needs to be made and I need to make it with all of my being and not look back. 

Secondly...

Today in church the Pastor was showing pictures of missionaries in Africa somewhere and I found myself a little jealous. People often ask me why I want to teach and this is my response, "Well, I don't want to teach", which is then followed with a awkward silence and a stare of pity. I then go on to explain that what I am doing to following God's lead and I am unsure where it is headed (I empathize with Al in this area). My heart beats for missions. I am sure of that. There is nothing else that I want to do. When I picture a career in the future, missions is the only area where I don't imagine being bored. That sounds bad but I can't really find the words to express my love for missions. I completely trust that God will merge teaching and missions, but that could not be what I imagine. In Brad's blog me mentioned his struggle to die to himself and live as 1 not 2. My struggle to let go of what I think I/we should do for God's Kingdom and what He actually has planned could not line up. That is disheartening. But, I need to refocus my lenses. 

I was reflecting on my time spent living in Thailand 2 summers ago and miss it. I miss living day to day with the pursuit of sharing Christ. Life in the U.S in not real and I find it harder to truly live for God in a culture that spats at the mention of Him. I know that the spiritual battle would take a different face if we were to move outside the U.S, but the grass is always greener. 

These were two separate and jumbled thoughts and might be missing sense. It is comforting to know that I have 3 other people who are still missing some pieces of the puzzle and are in the pursuit of God daily. I really appreciate the honesty and rawness that is displayed through these postings. 

Terra we wish that you were here also. Maybe some day soon. Brad and I are excited to have a couple/friends who are real and cross the boundaries of Christ followers. I love you all and appreciate your prayers.

We have an appointment tomorrow morning with the OBGYN. We will let you know how it goes.